Suzanne's turn...

I will never forget the look on the doctors face when she pulled me into her office. The physician that my dad and I share is very good to my dad. She seems to understand him in ways that I will never be able to. She is able to get him to do things that nobody in our family has ever gotten him to do. I have had the privilage of knowing our physician for many years. She started out as a resident in the hospital I work for, then when she finished her training, became my personal physician. Eventually when my dad was in need of a new doctor, I urged him to go see my doctor. She has truely been a blessing to my dad.

On the day I took my father into the doctors office, I never thought I would have to leave after receiving such devastating news. I am still suprised at how unprepared I was to hear the news I was about to hear that day. As my sister has alluded to earlier, I had recently been on vacation in the Philippines. I received the news that my mom needed surgery on her colon and that my dad had cancer the day before I was to fly home to the states. I was worried, sick, and scared all at the same time. I was desperate to get home, but powerless to do so. It made absolutely no sense to try to change my flight arrangements when I would be home in a couple of days.

On my flight home, all I could do was pray and think about my family. I never wanted to have a vacation end and be home like I did this vacation. When I finally was home, I was so relieved to see my mom, know that she was ok, but I still needed to set my eyes on my dad and talk with our physician. From the conversations I had with my dad, I knew he would not come home early to get his biopsy done. I knew that he needed to get this done, but had to wait on his timing. My next step was to call the doctor who was unable to talk to me until the following day, while I was at work. I knew this would be a difficult conversation, and from the moment I came home it felt like my world was narrowing down to this one moment. The BIG talk. The doctor spent almost an hour with me talking about my dad's test results, what they ment for my dad's future and what needed to happen next. We agreed to meet the next day so she could check up on me, and see what other questions I may have. The next day was one of the most difficult days. It was hard for me to get my thoughts in order, and I don't remember ever feeling so helpless, scared and uncertain as I did during those first days. I do know that when I begin to feel helpless and scared, my immediate response is to take action. If you haven't figured it out yet, I am a RN. I also happen to work in the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit, and as such I have access to some of the best surgeons around. Immediately I showed my dad's PET scan and radiology report to the surgeon I wanted to work with my dad and asked that he speak to my dad's physician. He gave me hope that maybe there might be something to do for my dad. He promised to speak to my dad's physican and also present my dad's case at cancer conference the following week.

Fast-forward to the day I took my dad into the doctor's for a prolonged asthma attack. He was so short of breath that he couldn't make the drive by himself, so I decided I would take him. When I handed my dad over to the doctor's care, I decided I would visit with the office staff. I remember sharing my vacation stories and generally having a good laugh despite the heaviness that constantly weighed on me. Little did I know that at that very moment, my doctor was talking with my dad's surgeon about his test results. As I said before, I will never forget the look on her face when she came out to get me. I didn't have a clue. I thought she might need to tell me that my dad needed to go to the hospital immediately, but it turns out that it was much worse than that. I remember her asking me to sit down, and then she told me. Stage IV non-small cell lung cancer. It was worse that what we originally thought we would see once he got his biopsy results back. I couldn't believe it. Things like this did not happen to us, it was surreal. I broke down. There is nothing that can possibly prepare you for this. What would I say to my mom? She had asked me to call her after I found out what was going on with my dad. We did not expect that we would come home with such grave news.

While the doctor went to tell my dad, I called my sister. I had promised her I would call when I knew what the results were. I never dreaded a phone call as much as I did that one. I knew that she was going to be at work, but she deserved to know. I wanted her to come home to be with me and our family. This was news that was too much for me to bear alone. So I made the call that would change all of ours lives. I tried not to cry while I was talking to her, but it never is how you want it to be. While my sister was yelling into the phone, you could hear the pain and confusion, the uncertainty of what this diagnosis would mean. I knew she would come home, and I was never so relieved that my sister would be there to help out. When it came time to take my dad home, he looked so peaceful. I was an emotional mess, and my dad just wanted to go smoke his cigarette. It was the most awkward drive home. My dad seemed resigned to dying, and there I am telling him that I'm not ready for him to die. Not my most shining moment. I will never forget him looking at me and saying, "It's ok, I've lived a good life. I don't regret anything. Maybe I will have time to go to Yellowstone, because I have never been there. I do know that I want to go catch some fish and go mushroom hunting." All I could do was laugh......