Starting a new week

As I close out one week and look at starting another, I can't help but realize I breath a little bit easier on this Sunday. This time last week I was driving home and feeling like there was no hope - today is a slight improvement. 

Dad met with the doctor on Tuesday and blew us all away and agreed to do experimental treatment. When I talked with him over the weekend, he said his experiment does not involve placebo. He will be taking a specific chemo cocktail with drugs that he knows about. As far as I can tell, the experimental part is whether the chemo has any affect on his cancer. While I maintain that I support any decisions dad makes, I still feel relief that he's willing to give the treatment a shot. He's really clear that the chemo won't cure his cancer, but it may slow its growth down. Whatever buys me more time with my dad I'll take it and celebrate it. When I shared the news with my friend Jana she congratulated the family and said, "Your dad's ready to fight." I hadn't even thought of it like that. But she's right, dad is choosing his way to let the cancer know that he's not going down easy. I'm so thankful. 

When this whole thing started, especially after dad's biopsy results came back, I really wanted to fight this on my own. I shared with my staff about what's going on with my dad and pretty much told them I didn't want them asking me about it. I consider school my safe haven from this and the children I am with are my therapy. I will have to say that the people I work with have reached out in very gentle ways and offered support by sharing their own personal and family experiences. I still don't want to spend my work time talking about dad - it's too emotional. But, I am realizing the importance of reaching out and letting others help me through this. For me, it takes more courage to let people in then to try to go this alone. 

There's never been any doubt in my mind that our dad loves us. Suzanne, Steven, and I share lots of stories that make us laugh about stuff we've done with dad. Unlike mom, though, he's not overly affectionate and he doesn't always have the words to express how he feels about us. In fact, he's often used mom as his mouthpiece to tell us how he feels. I guess there is good that can come out of cancer - not only has our family really rallied together but I'm noticing that dad is a lot more open and gentle with us-not using mom as the voice, but him telling us himself. It's a side of dad that I feel blessed to experience.

I didn't like driving away from my parents home today. I feel like I don't know if dad's going to be there when I go back next weekend. It's an unsettling feeling to live three hours away.