February 27, 2009 - March 1, 2009

After hearing the news, the drive to Beaverton didn't seem that long. After the initial freak out of hearing about dad's biopsy results, Mark came home early from work to console me and make sure I got on my way safely. He had offered to come along but for some reason I really felt the need to go see my dad on my own. I was really surprised at how calm I was during the drive up. When I arrived at my parents, I don't know what I expected, but I remember being surprised at how normal dad looked. That's the thing about cancer, you don't really look sick.

We didn't really do anything except look at the paperwork that showed dad's diagnosis and then talk about how dad could enjoy hot chocolate again - since he's dying anyway, why not drink it and not worry about his diabetes. Dad talked about his smoking...the doctors are really pushing him to quit. Dad remembers how miserable Grandpa Takano was when he quit smoking near the end of his life because he had been told to and dad decided he isn't going to quit. Why? He's dying anyway. I've learned with dad that it's no use arguing with him - he's pretty stubborn and once his mind is made up that's it. Well, at least most of the time....

The whole weekend, dad kept telling us how he wasn't interested in the experimental treatment. I heard him tell my sister, "I'm not a humanitarian." In fact, he told all of us that he was going to visit the doctor on Tuesday about experimental treatment as a "courtesy". To whom? Courtesy to the doctor? I had pretty much prepared myself for dad to continue on his path of no treatment as was attempting to accept the fact that my dad will likely be dead within the next 3 to 6 months.

I cried my whole drive home. For whatever reason it occurred to me that the child/ren that Mark and I hope to have will never know their Ojichan and I would never get to do what dad did with our grandpa and ask him to give a name to our child/ren. It just didn't seem fair that my children will never have the benefit of having their wonderful grandpa as part of their life. I'm not pregnant and with 3 to 6 months left ahead...well, you do the math. Try as I could to force the thought out of my mind, I just couldn't quit thinking about life without dad.

I began another week with a heavy heart.